


About the eyes that are no longer mine

by Keeryd



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Blood and Injury, Depression, Emotional Hurt, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Mild Blood, Minor Violence, Self-Hatred, Sleep Deprivation, Someone please save my boy, Steven Universe is a Diamond, Steven just doesn't fucking takes care of himself, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-30
Updated: 2019-12-30
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:48:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22031293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Keeryd/pseuds/Keeryd
Summary: Sleeping does nothing for him.
Relationships: No Romantic Relationship(s)
Comments: 21
Kudos: 184





	About the eyes that are no longer mine

**Author's Note:**

> This is somewhat old, but I love the idea of Steven with diamond eyes so heck yeah take this. Also, this takes place somewhere between the movie and SUf, kinda

When he throws up his dinner just a half hour after eating, Steven decides it's time to go to sleep. He wipes the vomit off his face with the back of his hand, grabs his cell phone off the floor and looks at the time, 7:42pm. He takes a deep breath and stands up, pulling the toilet handle, watching his attempt to eat go away. He doesn't even bother to rinse his mouth, he has time that he stopped being interested in the basics of his personal hygiene unless it was completely and obligatorily necessary, he doesn't remember how long ago, but he thinks that maybe it started when the nightmares became so unbearable that insomnia came to his rescue, it's not like it mattered or he was going to ask for help for it, that was unthinkable. He still feels nauseous, but swallows the urge to regurgitate, because he knows that what will come out of his mouth will no longer be food.

As we came out of the bathroom, the sun was just setting on the horizon, the house was beginning to sink into the darkness of the night and silence had already taken its rightful place. He looked for a few moments towards the doorway, and then towards the temple door, the idea of calling the Gems and maybe, just maybe talk, crossed his head and Steven knew that they would not refuse, but the little voice in his consciousness ( _you shouldn't, don't, you're going to regret it, look at you, you're only going to cause trouble when everything is supposed to be at peace_ ) simply told him no. He sighs, and goes to his new room, where he has a little more privacy. When he's finally in front of his bed, he doesn't think for a second about dropping into it and hiding between his blanket and pillows.

Steven was sick, in the sense of being in a horribly deplorable state, physically and mentally, and he knew it, but he refused to accept it in front of anyone who asked him, putting on a smile (a tired one, and completely false but believable, because he had become quite good at it) and saying that he was fine, that there was nothing to worry about. Clearly, there was a lot to worry about, but he would just hide it with excuses that would probably stop working in a while, but until then, he would keep using them. It had been a while since he had actually felt good about himself, sometimes he didn't even remember what it was like to be a child without problems beyond this planet, quite literally; although the problems were always there, hidden until he got tired of not knowing anything and jumped one by one.

Steven takes a deep breath, holds the air in his lungs for long seconds and slowly releases. He repeats the procedure several times, until the tension in his shoulders disappears, until his whole body relaxes completely on his bed, under his blanket and between his pillows. He repeats it until he stops thinking too much about things that happened some time ago, until the images in his head become black and silent.

Just like the days, the nights aren't usually quiet for Steven. Sometimes he misses being twelve and sleeping peacefully for at least eight hours in his old room, although he likes to have more privacy. Not that much time has passed, just four years ago he was still a simple child, one who lived with aliens, but that didn't really matter anyway, he misses not knowing anything. But nostalgia is something fun he likes to do in the dim darkness of his room. He misses the past, he really misses it, but he wouldn't change his present, not many things at least.

He breathed one more time, and try to get some sleep. He doesn't remember the last time he slept well in those two years, before going to Homeworld for the second time, before meeting White again and all the things that brought him. He hadn't hated dreaming so much in his life, because no matter how tired he felt, no matter how much more was on his mind, most of the time that moment would always come back to him, torturing him over and over again almost every night, until he stopped trying to sleep and stayed in his bed, waiting for the sun to come up. That night he tries to make a difference, he won't be able to hide how tired he is and excuse himself for taking care of Little Homeworld or some other problem concerning gems.

At least now he tries, at first, in the first days after that, he didn't want to sleep a wink, he stayed in his bed, in a room just under construction, sitting, leaning his back against the wall, hugging his pillow, crying as quietly as possible, trying to keep the noise down with his pillow where he hid his face. The first days, the first weeks, the first three months had been a martyrdom, his nightmares were so vivid that he could feel the pain burning in his guts, the same pain he had felt when White took the gem away from him as if it were nothing, as if he were nothing more than a bad vessel for Pink Diamond's gem.

And yet, he finds it funny how not a single word about everything that happened during the mind control had come out in front of the Gems. It had been two long years, the only person who knew was Connie, and she had never brought him back, nor had she tried to talk to him about it, and he is grateful to whatever is out there, because he doesn't know how he would handle a conversation of that magnitude with her or any of the Gems.

His progress is lost when he ends up opening his eyes and looking through the big glass door leading to his new balcony, remembering didn't help him at all. He can see the shore of the beach, and a little of the sea by the light that emanates from his house, from there, there is only darkness. He wishes he could reach that darkness in his own mind, and get some sleep, just a few hours. He looks for a while adrift, does not know how long and does not care, but he knows it has been a while now. He feels his eyes tired, and he closes them again, turning his back to the balcony, hugging a pillow and making a ball between his blanket in the process. He inhales, holds for a few long seconds, and exhales. He repeats it again, as at first, he would not easily give up on his intention to sleep as much as possible.

Somehow, at some point, he manages to fall asleep. Fatigue finally wins over his head and the primitive fear he feels deep inside.

When he opens his eyes, he is in the hands of White Diamond, she is looking straight at him, Steven can see her free hand coming dangerously close to him, he can feel her lifting his shirt enough to expose the gem in his stomach. Fear is making him nauseous, everything is revolving around him, White's voice sounds far away, but close. That's when she puts her fingers on his gem, and starts pulling. The pain is unbearable, he wants to scream, cry, kick, but it's burning him up so badly inside that all he can do is whimper, seeing blurred by the tears in his eyes, barely moving because the fear has him paralyzed. He wants to run away, he wants to go home, he wants to come back and know nothing. Hide for eternity in his room. He wants to be someone else, not his mother, not Rose Quartz, not Pink Diamond, not Steven Universe, someone completely new who doesn't have to deal with things like this.

Steven feels like he will pass out soon, but when he's about to lose consciousness White removes his gem. When she does, he feels everything in his being stop, he is shaking, his hands are clenched into fists, but he feels his nails fitting into his palms and a liquid running through his hands, he wants to scream like he has never screamed before in his life. The pain is horrible, he can feel his organs moving before the new space, and how they throb before having been separated from something to which they had been attached since their conception. It makes him sick to feel that, but it is nothing compared to the burning from his deep being to the outside. It's amazing how he doesn't scream.

He never faints, barely feels the blow to the ground when White drops him, since she already had what she wanted in her hands. He hears Connie scream his name, but far, far away. With what little strength he has left, he directs one of his hands to his stomach only to find that there is nothing left. Her skin is closed, but there are traces of blood on it. He can barely focus his vision, everything is blurred and he feels upset. He can see a small pink spot in the distance, one that starts to glow and float, then he sees the silhouette of Pink Diamond, then Rose and finally, it's him.

Suddenly, there is a sound out of the ordinary from the dream, he doesn't understand where it comes from but it is getting louder and louder, his head feels like it is going to explode at any second, it is unbearable. _He wants it to stop, he wants it to stop, he wants it to stop, he wants it to-_

He wakes up, getting exalted, sitting on his bed, tears in his eyes falling out of control, his vision is so blurred that he can hardly distinguish his hands in the dim moonlight coming through the windows, he knows he is in his house, in the safety of his room, but that doesn't stop the tears. His eyes burn, they burn so much that he lets out a grunt, loudly, his throat hurts as he does so, he doesn't know why, but he keeps letting out sounds that are more grunts in an attempt not to become literal screams of pain that wake up half of Beach City. He rubs his eyes hard, nothing takes away his pain, the brief thought of removing them comes as quickly as he leaves in the sea of thought that his head has become upon awakening. He no longer knows why he is crying, whether it is because of the nightmare, the pain in his eyes or the pain in his head, or himself, or the life he has to deal with.

Still, he looks for the noise until he finds his cell phone with the screen on, ringing and vibrating on the bedside table, so he takes it in his hands. The screen of the cell phone vibrating in his hands showed an incoming call, barely seeing spots between the glare of the cell phone from the tears that were still running down his cheeks without stopping, although his mind tells him it's from Connie. He doesn't know if the cell phone is vibrating by itself or if it's his hands, but no matter, why would Connie be calling him at this hour? Oh, right, he hadn't answered her calls all day.

He lifts his face and wipes his tears, rubbing his eyes and sees the time when his eyesight is a little less cloudy, 12:03am. He thinks about it for a few moments, and as he does so his gaze wanders through the darkness of the room. He is tired, and it hurts. Everything hurts.

In a fit of pain, he drops his cell phone and falls on the bed. Steven shudders, banging his back against the wall, hugging his legs against his chest in an attempt to make himself small, and grunts at signs of pain, the cell phone continues to ring, Steven can feel the vibrations in the bed, but only makes it worse until he ends up letting out a choked scream, hurting his throat. He releases the grip on his legs and carves his eyes hard, desperate to get rid of the pain, at least one he feels.

He doesn't listen, the only thing his ears pick up is a beeping sound mixed with his cell phone ringtone that seems to be made to explode in his head. Everything hurts, he wants his head to explode so he can get it over with. I haven't felt this much pain since...

... Since White took his gem out of him.

With an irrational fear that his gem is no longer there, he checks without thinking twice, to find that his gem... His gem...

Now it was in the same position as Pink Diamond's.

For a moment, the pain disappears to be replaced by fear, anger and irrational thoughts. The only thing he hears is a deafening beep that makes him feel dizzy at the sight of his gem, he swallows his saliva dry. Somehow, he ends up getting out of bed, can't even keep his feet on the floor. Using the wall as a support, he walks across the room to the stairs, the pain has returned and his eyes are crying (does it feel strange, were those his tears or something else?), in a short time he can feel dampness on his chest from the liquid falling on his pajamas.

The dizziness is still there, he feels everything moving around him, but he still gets to the bathroom without any incident. He looks for the knob in a hurry and opens the door with force, turning on the bathroom light as soon as the door is closed behind him. He keeps crying, hiccupping and wiping his tears until he reaches his bathroom mirror. He doesn't really know what to expect, until he sees the reflection of his face and part of his chest.

The surprise makes him take a few steps back, and if the whistle was bad enough, it was worse now. He ends up falling to the ground, and he sees his hands. They're full of blood, just like his face and his shirt. He had been crying blood since he got up, and he knows perfectly well why.

His eyes were no longer his own.

Now they were hers. They were his mother's.

As if she had not had enough of indirectly taking away his childhood and adolescence, his life and his future. It always had to be her.

He feels angry, scared. He was shaking, his back against the wall in front of his mirror. He wants to scream, but he knows he shouldn't, and that only makes him feel even more pain. He's afraid, very, very afraid. He feels hatred, for Rose, for Pink Diamond, mostly for himself.

( _I don't want to be her, I don't want to be her, I don't want to be her, no, no, no, NO!_ ) 

Steven whips his fist several times against the floor with force, to the point where there are cracks in the floor and much of the wall. He is tired, too tired, he wants to sleep and never wake up, he wants to run away and leave everything behind, he wants to forget the pain, but he knows he couldn't, he mustn't, because that's what his mother always did, and he couldn't, he shouldn't, he didn't want to be like her. _No, no, no_.

All his anger, his rage, ends up turning into sadness. Hugging himself, with his face hidden between his legs, and his arms embracing them, in a fetal position, Steven cries with his whole being, without caring about the noise. And so time passes, without him being able to stop crying, it is not as if he wants to stop his release as he wants. The minutes and hours feel fleeting at one point, but it doesn't really matter. 

Nothing mattered anymore, not when even his eyes didn't belong to him. 

**Author's Note:**

> In my defense for any mistakes, english isn't my first language so i'm sorry, i'll try to edit it later!  
> thanks for reading tbh <3


End file.
